My oldest officially turned 13 last week and even though I knew it was coming, I still felt that heart-wrenching feeling I get when I realize we’re leaving one stage behind and starting a whole new chapter in our story.  

The truth is, my son had turned into a “teenager” months before when he developed a new sense of ownership for his choices – is that a nice way of saying it? 

Teenagers Get Such a Bad Rap

If you’re raising one, you know how much they value independence and how important it is for them to carve out their own path.  And it’s not so much that you can’t influence them anymore, it’s just that they are trying to figure out who they are and in order to do that authentically they need the freedom to question and assess their options – without feeling judged, criticized, or worse, made to feel guilty for their thoughts and preferences.      

I love having this new teen in my life.  Sure, he has his more challenging moments, but he also has a deeper understanding of himself, is more focused on his goals and future, and has a clearer sense of integrity and what he stands for.  I treasure our conversations and I’m excited to hear his ideas and see where they take him.  I also find that I can share more of myself — my goals, my struggles, my wins, my strategies — and he is genuinely interested in how I make life work for me.

These past few months in quarantine have gifted us with many of these mindful moments and conversations when we both slow down enough to pay attention to our thoughts, work on our mindset, and learn from each other.  It’s actually brought out the BEST in both of us.  

What You Focus on Determines What You See in Your Kids

What are you loving about your kids right now? If you’re finding yourself more frustrated and critical with your kids (and yourself!) at the moment, you may be stuck in an unhelpful cycle that is adding stress and conflict to your days and hurting your relationship with your kids.  

This makes everything so much harder than it needs to be!  You see, making the day go smoothly, being productive, and meeting everyone’s needs and wants requires teamwork and buy in from everyone involved – which is close to impossible when you’re focused on what your kids are doing wrong, or not doing, or should be doing.  

And here’s the thing, the truth is, they’re probably NOT doing EVERYTHING wrong, but your attention is so focused on those things, that you’re probably missing what they’re actually getting right.

Help Your Kids Thrive in Challenging Circumstances

The great news is you can actually bring out the BEST in your kids, even within challenging circumstances. But how?  

Here are five mindful parenting strategies you can use that will help you lean into your kids’ strengths and enjoy your time with them:  

5 Mindful Parenting Strategies That Bring out the Best in Your Kids

#1 Change your focus and work on your mindset.  

If you’ve been a mom for some time you’ve probably figured out that nagging and running after kids to do their chores or anything else you want them to do hardly ever brings about the desired results.  In fact, it probably makes you feel even more exhausted and frustrated.  The key here is to be intentional about catching your kids doing something RIGHT, and then capitalizing on that.  You have to decide that you believe your kids have good intentions (even if they may be misguided at times) and that if you only take the time to be fully present with them, you will notice a multitude of positive qualities in them that you may not have noticed otherwise.  Because the truth is you will find what you’re looking for – which means that if you want to see the BEST in them, you need to purposefully look for the things they’re doing RIGHT.   

#2 Be intentional about giving your kids specific praise.

Once you find what your kids are doing well, make sure you tell them.  And I don’t mean just a quick, “good job” or some other platitude.  I mean yell it from the rooftops, write a song about it, spread the news to everyone you know – well, maybe not that much – but yes, make a big deal about it and most importantly, be specific when you tell them what you caught them doing well.  Especially if you have teenagers, because they will test you to see if you’re just saying something to be nice, or if you really believe it.  Make sure you give them concrete evidence so that they also start seeing these wonderful qualities in themselves.

#3 Have systems and routines in place that set your kids up for success.  

Think about your own productivity and how much it helps you to set goals, get organized, and create routines that help you stay focused and disciplined.  Kids need help setting up those routines and systems so they don’t get overwhelmed by having to make choices multiple times a day about what to do.  Start by setting up a balanced schedule for them when they’re young, and they’ll slowly learn to do it for themselves as you model the process of creating each routine – it’s one of the secrets of raising self-motivated, thriving teens!

#4 Be a real person to your kids.  

Sharing some of your struggles and stories can give your kids insights and perspective on what it takes to be a parent and teach them to appreciate and respect your guidance and teaching in a whole new way.  If you want to raise kids who learn from their mistakes and have a growth-mindset, then modeling that behavior with your own life is the best way to create a safe place for them to do so.  Teaching your kids to find purpose, not perfection, is a great way to bring out their best selves, because figuring out our strengths takes introspection and a lot of trial and error, and also grace and gentleness for ourselves so we don’t scare our authenticity away with the burden of perfectionism.  

#5 Make time for play in your day.  

I am convinced that playtime is a child’s favorite love language.  It’s a straight pathway to connection, conversation, and mindfulness.  No matter how old your kids are, making time for play in your day is essential.  And why wouldn’t you?  Playfulness helps you enjoy your kids more and be a more present and engaged parent.  Plus, it’s a great reminder to take a break from the to-do list and give yourself permission to relax.  Whether it’s sitting down to build a train track, chasing butterflies outside, or hosting a family Pokemon tournament, find a way to meet your child where he is and speak his language so that you can better see what a wonderful person he actually is.      

Which strategy will you incorporate in your parenting toolbox this week to bring out the best in your kids?

P.S. If you need some inspiration, grab my FREE GUIDE which is all about how to talk to your kids so they’ll listen and how to strengthen your relationship so it grows even more meaningful throughout the years .  

Get yours here.  Enjoy!